The Bakerbarian and Goblin Marine

Here's some weirder and sillier class options, statted up for 5th edition dnd!

The Bakerbarian
Inspiration for the Bakerbarian here.

You are a cook who has such dedication to your art that you can weaponize the foods you create. You can infuse it with your intense emotions and power, churn out innumerable amounts of bread missiles, or create armor from food. You cook bread and cakes angrily.

Class: Barbarian

Bonus Proficiencies
When you choose to become a Bakerbarian at level 3, you become proficient in cook's utensils.

Weaponized Foodstuffs
When you choose to learn the arts of the Bakerbarian at level 3, you can create deadly weapons seemingly out of thin air if you are carrying food (alternatively, if you are carrying the ingredients and cook's utensils, and take a few moments to make it). This functions as a ritual spell, essentially. These weapons typically deal 1d6 damage, but they can deal more or less damage if you use fewer materials or take less time. You are considered proficient with all of the edible weapons you create, and if it is a weapon you are actually proficient in, your proficiency bonus is doubled.

Right Out of The Oven
Beginning at level 6, you can imbue your attacks with a different damage type (typically fire). It will deal the same amount of damage, but will bypass resistances and immunities to the prior damage type if present in the creature being attacked, and will take advantage of vulnerabilities. The weapon will change to reflect the damage type, such as becoming burning hot if right out of the oven, or blue like ice in right out of the fridge. Your attacks cannot deal force, psychic, or thunder damage.

Loafs of Anger
You can create weaponized foodstuffs as normal. However (beginning at level 10), if you create them while enraged, they become intelligent creatures that serve you. They will last as long as you stay angry, either actually still in a state of enragement, or just normally angry. If they were created while experiencing any other intense emotion, then they will not be very violent. They have one attack that deals an amount of damage that is equal to the amount you allocated to creating them as weapons. In all other respects, they are like a beast or other monster of CR 1 or less. These creatures can only move to around 120 feet away from you before they become just food again.

Improved Foodstuffs
Beginning at level 14, you can create all weaponized foodstuffs almost at-will, with only the most damaging types requiring more time. You are also able to instill magic in your food, being able to place a wizard spell in it as if you were a wizard of a level 10 levels below yours (beginning at level 4). You can create a number of spell-cakes equivalent to the number of spells a wizard of that level can cast in a day, but they are only activated when they are eaten. You can add either your Wisdom or Constitution modifiers to the number of spell-cakes you can make in a day. The spell save DC is equal to 8+proficiency bonus of wizard level for purposes of spell-cake crafting+the higher of your Wisdom and Constitution modifiers.

The Goblin Marine
Inspiration for the Goblin Marine here.

You are someone trained in the skills used by goblins, orcs, ogres, and their gross kind during fighting. You could actually be a goblin or some similar creature, or you could be someone trained in them to be adept in avoiding them.
Class: Fighter

Improved Bites and Claws
When you select this class option at level 3, you have sharpened your teeth and your claws so that they became better weapons. They deal 1d4 damage at first, and then increase the damage die as a monk of a level equal to yours increases their unarmed damage.

Stench Warfare
Beginning at level 7, you are able to create great clouds of vile odor from your own unwashed body, or from the complex mixture of smelly chemicals. You can exude a cloud of gross gas that spreads up to 30 feet, and then dissipates. If anything is in the cloud, they must make a Constitution save against your save DC (8+proficiency bonus+Constitution modifier). If they fail the save, they are knocked unconscious by the stench for 1 minute. The time that they are unconscious for increases by 1/4 minute every level.

Crawl on Walls
Beginning at 10th level, you can crawl up seemingly smooth walls at a speed equal to half your walking speed. At level 14, this becomes a speed equal to your walking speed. You can climb just as you can do normal movement during your turn in combat.

Bugbearricade
Beginning at 15th level, you have trained yourself to be so agile so as to be able to hide behind creatures of even your size or one size smaller. This counts as cover, just as hiding behind a larger ally or barricade would.

Disgusting Alchemy
At 18th level, you can create vile grenades and bombs from the fluids, juices, and tissues from your body or the bodies of others. The effect of this bomb varies, based on the ingredients used, but it will function as some sort of spell from the wizard spell list that can be cast by an Eldritch Knight of a level 9 levels below yours. You can create as many of these as you wish, but if you create more than is allowed (see the Eldritch Knight spell matrix for how many you can create), you risk hurting yourself or your teammates.

Two More Classes for The World With No Name

I've found this custom XP guide made by Nick Peterson. It's made for Labyrinth Lord, but by changing it a bit, removing level limits from the calculation, and ignoring most limitations on armor, weapons, and magic items, I can create fairly balanced custom XP charts for all of my classes. I've calculated the two classes I made in my last class post for their XP, and here's what I got in the end:

The Puppet: 1,580 XP to reach level 2
The Goremaster: 2,020 XP to reach level 2

I've also created custom XP for the following two classes: The Aquatic and The Barber-Surgeon.

The Aquatic
Hit Dice: d8 (+2/level after 9th)
Attack Bonus: Equal to level
Saving Throws: as Elf
XP to Level 2: 2,080

You are a member of some underwater race. You might be a fishman, or a walking octopus, or a kappa, or the child of a union of piscine peoples and humans.

• You can breathe underwater and on land.
• You have a swim speed equal to your walking speed (120' when unencumbered)
• You switch Constitution and Charisma, but only if Charisma is higher than Constitution
• Your appearance is based on two rolls that function like the descriptors of a fighter (d10). If you roll two appearances that go against each other, keep the later one and re-roll the first.
• Frog: Can jump great distances
• Turtle: AC bonus of +2
• Eel: Limbless. Has control over water.
• Axolotl: Regenerates 1 HP every turn
• Isopod: Can climb walls
• Fish: Fangs or bite attack that deals 1d4 damage, using Strength
• Octopus: Has multiple appendages (tentacles)
• Whale: Is very large (-2 to hit small targets such as halflings), like 7 or 8 feet tall.
• Tardigrade: Is very tiny (cannot use large weapons), has +2 to all saving throws
• Crab: AC bonus of +1, claw attack (1d6, using Strength)

The Barber-Surgeon

Hit Dice: d6 (+2/level after 9th)

Attack Bonus: 1/2 level, rounded down

Saving Throws: as Magic-User

XP to Level 2: 1,250

You are a "doctor" who is skilled in the arts of bloodletting and amputation. You also are quite skilled with the scissors and the shampoo.

• You can perform bloodletting that heals a number of d4s of HP equal to your level. This is done by making a Medicine skill check (the skill that this class is especially proficient in (begins at 3 in 10 chance)). If it succeeds, the HP rolled is added to the HP of whomever you are performing the procedure on. If it fails, the HP rolled is removed from the HP of whomever you are performing the procedure on.
• In combat, you can roll a d6 to see if your attack severs a limb. This increases at the same rate as the Search skill of the Elf does in the rulebook. If the roll succeeds, then you roll 1d4 to determine which limb is amputated: 1-right arm, 2-left arm, 3-right leg, 4-left leg. If a one is rolled, then the head of the enemy is removed, killing them instantly.
• You can create an anesthetic that can knock out someone for a number of minutes equal to your level. This costs 200 SP, and gives you bonus time for every additional 100 SP spent on it. The additional time is equal to 1/2 your level (30 seconds at level 1). The victim gets a save vs. Paralysis to combat it.

Babel, The Tower Of Spirits

In the seas toward the equator of the world, there juts forth a great tower. It is the only above-water sign of an ancient civilization that lived here once, before their resplendent metropolis was sucked beneath the waves. This structure was their greatest achievement, for it grew so high so as to break into the heavens themselves. When the rest of their magnificent empire fell beneath the ocean, this great tower still stood, and still stands today, as a testament to the powers and knowledge of that great nation, for no others have been able to construct such a tower.

The peoples of the islands that surround this tower want some of that knowledge and power. They will pay nearly anything to have folks who hold their lives in less regard delve into the unknown depths of this tower and retrieve the ancient artifacts and knowledge of the long-dead empire.

And you really must have almost no regard for your life and for your safety to enter the tower. In the centuries and millennia since it fell, it has become overrun with monsters and creatures of all sorts. The upper levels, those that force themselves into the void of heaven, are filled with all sorts of alien creatures, such as angels. The lower levels, those that are beneath the waves, have become overrun with sea devils and other oceanic monsters. These creatures, along with those constructs and beasts left over by the ancient civilization, mutated or eroded by the forces brought into the structure, guard the secrets of the ancient peoples.

Essentially, this is a megadungeon concept that becomes more dangerous the higher up and the lower down you go, rather than just in one direction. Some specific factions, items, and monsters that might be found in Babel, The Tower Of Spirits are detailed below.

Normal DnD Creatures in Babel

The rats here are like fish. Or they are like light. Mundane creatures look more normal the closer to the center of the tower they are, but the lower down or the higher up you go, you will find that they have changed to suit the environment. In the lowest levels, the rats look like quadrupedal fish with unblinking eyes and toothy maws. In the highest levels, the rats look like balls of light with four spindly legs. Mostly, you will just use the same statistics, but switch out appearances.

The zombies that are low down are bloated with water and the skeletons are covered with kelp and sea stars. Vampires have eyes of black and mouths like lampreys and can become goblin sharks or clouds of hagfish slime. In the upper levels, zombies are the corpses of those who have died, possessed by space ghosts or alien energies. They do not decay because of the alien effect on their flesh. Those upper levels have additional shadows even in places where light shines. Vampires of these upper levels are featureless and smooth, until they open their mouth and you see a hole ringed with teeth of glass.

Cephalopoid mind flayers hide in the darker corners of the lower levels, and eye-covered beholders float through the halls of the upper levels.

Not Normal DnD Creatures in Babel

Angels live in the higher levels. They are made of rings of gold and balls of fire. They are covered in circles of eyes and limbs of animals. They speak only in the language that the stars throw at each other in the voids between them. These are spirits of order whose goals are harmful to meaty creatures such as humans, for flesh is chaotic and disorderly. They can take forms of meat, but only do so begrudgingly, and they remove creatures from their prisons of meat to bring them in contact with the greater order of the universe. They fall into orders, levels, and circles, and each celestial being has a role and a place. (angels will be described more in-depth in another post)

Saratan, the great crab, controls one of the lower levels. They are the size of an island, and on their back there lives a culture of piscine peoples.

Alien fungi and extraterrestrial flora grow on the higher levels. Those who breathe in the spores and the pollen contract unknown diseases and alien allergies, and some might become the mold-controlled puppets called Spore Cosmonauts.

Some fish and other ocean animals have adapted themselves for the slightly less wet corridors and rooms of the lower levels. These are angler fish that crawl around on the ceilings and floors of the tower and octopi that bound along, hunting anything they near.

Factions of The Islands

A cult that worships the fish gods Father Dagon and Mother Hydra want artifacts and creatures from the lower levels. Some even say that their gods dwell in the deepest parts of the tower, and they will pay ludicrously to bring some of them to these piscine deities.

A church of Bog wishes for more information about the kingdoms of heaven and about the nature of Bog. If you retrieve information about either of those things from a bonafide angel, they will pay you handsomely. They would also totally be down to get some holy relics to treasure or unholy false idols to destroy.

A slave ship has arrived recently. The people here consider slavery horrible, for it infringes upon the freedoms of the people, but they don't consider the fish folk people, so they're completely fine if you kidnap some fish people from the tower and sell them to the slavers. The slavers will pay additional money for aquatics, as they can work in underwater environments.

There is a wizard that requires the ichors and the parts of angels for spells that they are working on. They will reward with not just silver, but also with the spells and magical items themselves, if you promise not to share them too much.

The tribe on a small island near the tower considers it to be the home of their god. They hate their god. If you can bring back the head of their god, they will reward you with fame and honor, as well as a high standing in the tribe.

Four Undead

The Zombi and The Skeleton

The zombi and the skeleton are two creatures most commonly created by necromancers. They are both created using the same sort of vile magick, with the only difference being the level of decomposition present in the walking cadaver. Zombis can even be made from living people, though once they are under the necromancer's control, there is almost no way to get them back.

The consciousness of a zombi or of a skeleton is under the control of the necromancer, and thus, these creatures have no amount of self preservation. If they catch on fire, they will keep on kicking until the last piece of ash is blown away in the wind. If all that is left of a zombi is a pile of viscera, the bloody pulp will ooze along, still going at its task. Even if the brain of the zombi is removed from its body, the necromancer will retain control of both parts, and you have just made a slow cerebral ooze and a stumbling walking corpse. The only way to defeat a zombi or a skeleton is to completely destroy every single part of it. Just getting it down to 0 HP isn't going to cut it.

Even though the necromancer has control over the body of the undead creature, occasionally the real consciousness of the body will break through. You might hear it scream for help or suddenly run away from you before walking back at you. If the necromancer dies, the zombis and skeletons that now control their own bodies will try to enact vengeance on the bokor, and might burn the body, eat it, or simply tear it limb from limb. However, they are still definitely affected by their time under the control of the wizard, and so they have to resist every urge to devolve into a mindless walking corpse.

The Ghoul and The Ghast

Ghouls are created by a terrible plague that makes you into a horrible cannibalistic monster (called the Cannibal's Illness). It slowly makes you into an almost human monster that only wishes to gorge itself on meat. Your eyes glaze over and you forget about who you once were. You become an immortal abomination filled with disease and decay, and every injury just causes you to become more monstrous and mutated.

Something cuts off your arm, and you regrow an arm that is almost a good arm, but not quite. Meanwhile, your arm that was once connected to your body grows into a smaller ghoul that just has a huge arm. Both of these monsters are you. If you are cut in half, each side regrows the other side, but it might be covered in tumors or eyes or teeth. Your heart is ripped from your body, and it just grows spindly legs from your veins, and crawls on the ground, spitting ghoul blood on everything. A new ghoul might look like someone who just needs a shower or a bandage or two. An old ghoul is covered in tumors and veins, with two blind heads and a mouth filled with almost shark-like teeth.

By Jonathan Wojcik of Bogleech, for his upcoming game Mortasheen!

Ghouls might remember a thing or two of their life as a human. They might remember taxes, or the king, or they might remember children. They might even remember how to make them! If a ghoul tries to reproduce with another decaying abomination, it will probably work. It won't produce a normal baby, and it won't produce a really small ghoul. No, reproduction between these undead monsters creates the strange creatures known as ghasts. These monsters might look like a deformed baby, or they might look like a huge embryonic dragon-like beast. Crawling mountains of conjoined fetuses, hive-like infants filled with parasitic flies, anencephalic gremlins, and even more diversity of these undead descendants are produced when two or more ghouls try to make a child.

Also by Jonathan Wojcik for Mortasheen

If you have contracted the Cannibal's Illness and are not yet a ghoul, you are what is called a half-ghoul. You will forget you family and friends and your life before you started becoming an undead monstrosity. You will be overcome with the urge to eat constantly, and only ever eat meat. Plants and other foods will turn to sand, mud, or dirt on your tongue. Slowly, you will lose all thought beyond eat, and eventually you will become a ghoul.

Also for Mortasheen